Isn't it a wonder how it seems that every 

Biological Mother is completely off her rocker? 

I searched the web in search of assistance today because I need to understand how to get along with my daughters Step Mom. 

As a living being on this planet I am in dire need to understand this complex dilemma because there is a good chance that this woman will be in my life for a very long time. Society is telling me to allow my daughter to participate in a secondary household for up to 50% of the time, holidays, weekends, every portion of this child's life is shared in an ideal 50/50 split custody arrangement. Lets say, hypothetically, I am being kept as far away as possible from the 50% off my daughter that they care for as possible at their request. I am a single yet powerful mother, working towards a degree as well as working to pay the bills. Needless to say, I'm terrified.

Lets look at mothers in Biology:  

Other members of the animal kingdom 

literally do not handle this type of situation. 

Other Mammals for example; Primates would take less than kindly to another female entering their nest all willing and glowing for the chance at motherhood, even if they were with the Father. Rarely do females much but bat an eye to share their young with the father, many times he may walk away and find another female to mate with or come and go from time to time to visit the child. Very rarely do the males move on to another female and then come back to take the child to raise as their own, turning their back to the juvenile's mother. This would be enough to drive a Capuchin Monkey into a frenzy of uncontrolled rage.

Ack!!  Attack Mode! 

No wait, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry. Ooops, I blew another casket! But Why?

I do believe that reacting like a lunatic every once and a while when undergoing a closed step-relationship is all but to be expected and is a completely appropriate and understandable first impression of the situation from this standpoint. We really do have a primal instinct inside of us that in this point in history is considered completely unacceptable and psychotic behaviors, many Bio-Moms are being treated as though they are mentally insane or clinically ill. In reality, this "Mama-Bear-Syndrome" is apparent in more than just our species and really should really be greatly considered when one is in a situation with a "Baby Mama." The very best thing you can do in the situation is to "Tread Lightly," Mama needs to know what kind of influence you will have on her baby and whether or not she can trust you in regards to legal, disciplinary, hygienic and emotional matters not to mention that she has to have you in her child's eyes as an equal to herself. 

Sometimes I think that is just too much to ask of a human. 

Because, even though mother's instincts are a great and wonderful thing, can we just emphasize on the absolute TERROR that comes along with another woman in the picture? Why is this taken as some sort of joke to Step-Parents, I feel as though there is a general humor about how crazy Biological Mothers get when in contact or trying to communicate with the Step-Mom. (From reading other blogs on the subject) They may promise they never want to take our place, and that no harm will come to the child in their care but still we are (in my scenario) kept on the end of a 20 ft pole, behind a 3 ft thick wall and expected to turn a blind eye to the goings-on of the other household our child is living in? There is absolutely no comparison I have on this earth to the heartbreak, the deceit and the knee shattering fear that is holding the hand of this situation. Are you feeling crazy, yet? Crazed with the fear that our children will fall in love with a woman who is mirroring the duty we have to our child? Yes, I am crazed with an intangible need to raise my own baby. Yes, I am guilty for not being able to walk across Egypt to be as far enough away to where she feels comfortable..

A mother should never feel like she has break her back to benefit the lifestyle of the Step-Mom. 

We want to feel at very least cooperated with, if not feel a little bit of desire to help us to feel accepted as a partner and co-parent with you knowing and understanding that Mother will come first at the end of the day. Do not feel like I am asking anyone to bow down but simply to Tread Lightly. There should be an empathic understanding for the intuitive and biological need to hold on to our babies too tight. So if you are a step mom, and the Bio-Mom in your situation is trying to control it, and you are not dead yet. Walk up to her and thank her. Please, seriously, because the pain of this is just about worse - at least much longer lasting than that of child birth - Almost like the opposite of child birth. I am disturbed by the fact that that a natural clinging from mother to child is viewed as a bad thing or an unwanted emotion in society and to co-parent a child in this day and age is much more likely.

It is also very likely that one day going to sign her up for school using a different last name than my child while her and her Step Mom share a family name.

That. Is. A. Horrific, Inhumane. Way of The World.  

Share my baby??

No way!
Unless..

We must understand that the child's father is not the issue. 

(Hopefully others agree) because getting pregnant at a young age (such as I was) many times young mothers find out either during or shortly after the pregnancy that that man is not the one for them, sometimes the man simply decides to run away, free himself and choose his own path which, in turn forces us to find our own path, which in turn, happens to be the very best thing for everyone involved! We are always accused of being jealous of the new woman in his kitchen when in absolute reality, we didn't want him when we had him! There was likely a good reason to be separated and it is important that the mother in a situation not be concentrating on the father or the father's day to day business. Truly. The pain of the breakup between parents is really not relevant or the issue at stake here, so we do not appreciate being called "The Ex" We are the mother, and to be seen only has the mother of the child. A partner to both you, and your partner; our child's father. My daughters father and I hold a mutual understanding, respect and business/like partner ship that is based on honesty and integrity. The best father for my daughter is her father and she will know him as such, never as her mother's ex husband/boyfriend. You must see this also.

Separate the Terminology Forever

And also understand that:

 As "an ex" We are required to retire all previous friendships and relationships with the mutual friends of which were shared all those years ago, they are your friends now, of which I purposely avoid, not due to my own choice other than to make you, yet again, more comfortable than myself. I want to abide by, and separate from whatever it is so I can give you what you need. As the mother, I am having to turn my back, again and again, constantly to the unknown, the hurt and the agony of the situation.

Some of us are unfortunate enough to still love and care for a few of the mutual friends.

The poor souls who have endured seeing such a tragedy as a co-parent situation are a whole different ball park. I will be honest with you, It hurts me to say that many times it is not worth the added stress to keep up with these friends' or the events taking place with or around the other parents. Ever. It is truly more beneficial to the situation to erase those past relationships from your life. Though it is not the easiest on the heart. All I have to say is good luck with that one. I'm still not there yet.

What do you do without a support system, tho?

Google search "Bio-Mom" 

Instead of support I found crude humor such as these in the favor of the step mom bashing and hating the crazy into the biological mother. Especially mocking the worst pain of the whole bit of it, wanting to know what is going on in the household, or wanting to be on the same page as you are. Isn't the point to STOP the craziness? Not spread the hate by empowering yourself higher than the mother in any way by suggesting the child call you mom, or stay with you independantly for your own convenient or quality time with the child. Some Steps do these things, some Steps don't. Hopefully most don't. This is a very good way to instigate angry-mama-bear-syndrome as well as any number of mental breakdowns.

These are rude, I wish I had found positive ones to share, but I didn't.

Where is the Bio-Mom understanding? 

Many of these post come from blogs giving a round of applause for the Step-Mother's courage and overwhelming hardships dealing with the monstrous and clinically insane Biological Mom. Making a laughing stock out of a parent's heartbreaking difficulties with the situation at any given time is just like throwing bombs at a burning bridge. Attempting to keep the Bio-Mom away from your corner when you have her child is sure to create issues and backfire on the Step-Mom. Trying to run away with the child while calling her crazy is simply antagonizing the beast, who you will not win.

Did anyone stop to think maybe the hardship wouldn't be so hard if maybe throughout the altercations and the confrontation that we switch shoes, talk about what it is that is bothersome and just try to get along beyond the simple. "Just drop her off at 8. Thanks."

GERRRSHH BEEERCKKK BOOOM!

Has anyone seen my marbles, cause the just got lost on that last paragraph. Holy Moly! Has no one heard of Tread Lightly, or Proceed with Caution?

This sort of shortness and intentional distance is the pollution of this experience and makes my heart ache and churn. I can understand the want for distance, the need for private time and a separate household but when the bridge between said households is lit on fire time and time again, admittedly from both sides. Really what are we to do to clear the air? How do we find the answer to the black and white questions and come together in a way that puts us all including the child at ease with co-exsistance?

Well, How involved are we welcome to be with this whole other family? 

Not at all? Do we really know one another? and what if one party is completely unwilling to connect and the other pushes too hard to do get along? Sometimes it feels like each half is constantly pushing, worrying or condemning the other half. That is, quite literally, the 50% of the ideal custody arrangement. Seeing as how we must stay at that 50% there must be a balance point. What if we were to offer words of comfort and understanding, never cease to proceed with caution and understanding or even just offer a simple discussion of what the plans are during your time, what fun things the child can get excited about, and share in a context that is open, inviting and willing to cooperate. If we are to share the duties, responsibilities, hardships and situation for the rest of our lives what is stopping us from making it an enjoyable experience? Maybe if we were to get to know a few of her likes and dislikes, understand what kind of influence is being made from her to my child and to know for a fact that she is willing to work together with me, being simple, straight to the point but without being cold, bitter or short. This is a fine line in the world of text communication.

The Modern Technology Downside 

thumbs.dreamstime.com

A Co-Parenting Dream. 

I believe there will be a day where this child is going to grow up and graduate or get married, or get engaged and throw her very own party of which she will hopefully be comfortable inviting both of us to attend and ask for both of our help with hosting it. My only hope and prayer is that we COULD work together, in the same room, with a smile and laughs on my daughter's behalf and with a willing and smiling heart. That is really the best case scenario, being able to actually work together with a sense of enjoyment and acceptance. That is what I ask, again. Beg for, really, is an understanding more than ankle deep so that I maintain an optimal relationship with my daughter by partnering with you, too. It's not a simple task, because I do not want her to have another mother, I do not wish to accept you as part of her life, as much as you do not want me to be in yours. Trust me. So I will have to practice my worst talent which is going against nature. I'm not sure if I can, I just have no other choice but get back up and try again. Because I would do anything for my daughter. Even keep trying to get along with you even after years of rejecting and neglecting this relationship that obviously needs worked on.

Sincerely, The Crazy Bio-Mom